Just woa. I ugly face cried to this one yesterday.
Little known fact about me is that being a mother terrifies me sometimes. Like mind crippling terror that wakes me up in the middle of the night wondering if I'm doing anything right in raising this perfect little human. This little guy that 100% counts on me.
Now I'm sure that I'm not special in this fear, and that most if not all moms feel this way at one point. But there are days when I look at other moms at the playground that seem bright eyed and full of energy while playing with their tots, while Im sitting over here with my sugar free Redbull wondering how I'm going to muster up the energy to climb that slide on more time. Its on those days that I'm like dang I need to do more. But somehow I always do. Them mommy superpowers always seem to kick in.
The bigger my baby boy gets and the more I witness him turning into a miniature version of myself the more lackluster I feel as a mom. Not to be depressing because the purpose of this post is to be inspirational I swear. Its just that there are days that I beat myself up when dinner is just a PB&J with some grapes instead of a culinary delight because mama didn't have time to cook. Sometimes I feel like a total jerk when we skip bath night because play time at the pool ran long. Pool time is technically a bath right? Kidding...kidding.
When I started out as a mother I won't say that I was the all organic, super-sanitized helicopter mom because I wasn't. I wasn't a co-sleeping mommy. I wasn't that mom who put a protective barrier around him when ever anyone tried to touch him. I didn't sit around and stare at him for hours. Being a single mom with a full time career, a needy doggy, and no family around I just couldn't. And I regret some of these more than I care to admit.
I always refer to myself as "Not your average mom". My kid didn't come with a rulebook and even if he did I'm pretty positive that I wouldn't follow it. I am still very selfish in the things that I want to accomplish in my career. I still like to look cute...which often results in Lyric playing in my bathroom cabinets while I quickly apply some mascara. Another set of issues that I often feel guilty for.
But here's the thing. Now that I realize my regrets or "shortcomings" as a mother things have changed a bit within my perception of the most important thing I will ever do. The older my son gets the more I just want to squeeze him and drain every drop of joy out of those little moments. As he grows further away from a squishy baby into a little boy (tear), the more I want to wrap him in a double layer of industrial bubble wrap and keep him safe from the big bad world. I constantly remind myself that I'm doing my VERY best and that just has to be enough.
I am not a perfect mom. AT ALL. But I am perfect in my love for him.
~ Hugs and Smiles ~ Riley Couture